5 Jun 2017


I'm not a nice person.

Or a very good friend.

I spend a lot of time quietly despising myself for being jealous of my friend's successes.

Don't get me wrong, I know that they worked hard to get where they are, they sacrificed for their success, they toughed it out.

I just can't seem to get over the feeling that I'm woefully inadequate compared to pretty much everyone I know.

This is both depressing, and fucking pathetic.

I spent the better part of last week crying because a) I got my period and that is total and utter shit these days, b) with my period comes hormonal almost migraines which render me angry and drained, and c) I got the email from my online college telling me that time I had to complete my course had expired, and d) I had a birthday coming up and who can be excited about being one year older when they've achieved nothing.

I'm thoroughly sick of myself.

I hate feeling like this and I hate comparing myself to everyone else.

I also hate that I can't seem to do anything about it.

I don't honestly know how to move forward.

I think I've literally felt like this my entire adult life and that's awful.

I spend a lot of time wishing for things to be different but not actually doing anything about it.

It's exhausting.

Maybe I read too many books when I was a kid. My life is certainly not as exciting as Anne Shirley's or Trixie Belden's.  Disney deserves a mention too while we're at it...  And Ann M. Martin circa Babysitters Club fame!

I know that I have absolutely nothing to complain about, I have a great job, friends, supportive family, loving partner, healthy kids, roof over my head... what's wrong with me?!  I'm 36.  I had a fabulous birthday, I was feeling really good and then today, it hit me again.  I just keep thinking that there has to be more... but is there?  Is there more?  Do I need professional help?  How can I break this cycle of self loathing and ineptitude? I feel like I'm letting my family down because I'm constantly thinking that we're doing it wrong.  But we're not... are we?  This is just life right?  It doesn't have to be extraordinary...

First world problems?  Am I right?

I don't know what the point of this post is.

Or why I have a blog at all really.

I guess it just makes me feel better to write it all down and overshare on the internet.  Insert grimace face emjoi here.