Well that's not entirely true, to be fair on Molly, I honestly don't think that the addition of her to our family has made life that much harder. It's the financial issues that we have faced this year and the stress that comes with not knowing how you're going to pay your bills and afford to feed your family, that's what has made 2016 particularly hard. It's sadly all consuming but we are still very lucky. We both still have work and a roof over our head thanks to my very, very, understanding and generous parents and help from our families.
I have learnt so much about myself in the last 12 months. One of the biggest realisations is that I don't handle stress well. I cry. A lot. And I eat. I also lash out at my partner more than what's fair and try to blame him for all that's wrong with the world. I don't sleep enough and I lay awake tying myself in knots worrying about things I can't change until the baby wakes up. I don't look after myself and spend way too many hours on my smartphone comparing my life to everyone else's and wishing I hadn't eaten that second muffin.
None of this is healthy, I know. It's like I've been in some sort of holding pattern waiting for something to happen, but reality has hit. I'm back at work on the 23rd. Yep. Work.
I am scared to put my uniform on because let's be honest, it probably won't fit. Sausage Jess it will have to be. I have tried exercising but when you can feel your stomach popping in and out of a hole whenever you bend at the waist, you don't really want to continue. I should probably curb the eating and I WILL try. Try being the operative word.
It's been a mad rush this week but I've organised for Molly to go to the same centre as Mushroom. I tried in vain to find family daycare for her, and came up short. I'm not willing to travel 20+km when I'm only a 7 min drive away from my office now. At least this way they're both across the road and I can duck in when needed. I've been expressing quite regularly so have quite a good freezer stash of breast milk going... I'm a bit nervous. I'll be honest. Molly hates being away from me and whenever she has spent time with my MIL she cries the whole time and sleeps 20 mins at most. Fingers crossed for a smooth transition...
Assisting with my good moods has been the addition of agonising pain leading up to and during my period which is only since having Molly. I don't think the hernia is helping but I'm pretty sure this is just the way my body is going to be now. This week I was in so much agony I could barely get out of bed. Breast feeding means I can't take much in the way of pain relief so I feel really excellent. Endometriosis is super fun. My Doctor has recommended a mirena but I'm nervous due to the mental factor and I already have issues controlling my emotions. I was hoping that Juffin would get the snip and we'd be all good but due to my ongoing issues with my girly bits it seems like I may have to get the mirena so my pain and other symptoms settle down. Being a girl is awesome... not!
So I want this year to be different. I have tried to be positive and active but my body hasn't been co-operating. I don't have new year's resolutions but there are a few changes that I want to make in 2017. I'm hoping that these changes will help me cope with things a little better and be happier within myself
- Spend less time on social media and more time connecting with friends and family in real life and on the phone.
- Spend more time outside
- Incorporate patience into my life, particularly with my kids and my partner, as I seem to have patience everywhere else but at home.
- Be kind to myself
- Do more good deeds
- Start reading books again
And, last but not least, I hope to blog more! Sharing my blog with you, and sharing in this way in general is so cathartic. It makes me feel less alone. Thank you to everyone who has read, commented, and shared my blog over the last year and beyond. It means the world. It really does.
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| Hopefully more of this in 2017! |
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