30 Jun 2014

Deep Breaths

I have no idea what has happened to my happy little boy, but can the demon who has replaced him, kindly firetruck off?  

All weekend we've had tantrum, after tantrum, after tantrum.  There is no concept of patience.  No waiting.  No negotiating with a toddler.  It is futile.  I just stand there watching him throw his 11kg frame around, fists flailing, high pitched screeches coming out of his mouth, pitching back and forth in front of me narrowly missing walls and sharpedged corners of furniture and all I can think about is smoking cigarettes. Like I used to.  Back in the days before I was stupid enough to have a child. That and stabbing.  Deep breaths.  

This post is an elaboration on my earlier post about Quirks.  The Mushroom has developed, in the last month or so, a massive personality.  He has either been abducted by aliens and some sort of human hybrid has been left in his place, or, it's true, I've created a monster.  

These instances bring on a tantrum:
Mushroom replaced
by Alien
  • Hunger.  As in, I have already eaten my body weight in food today but I am starving and I need to fed immediately or I will die.  
  • Nappy Changing.  There are a few different scenarios which cue tantrums re nappy changing.  The first is; please do not upset the happy balance of my undergarments, I am perfectly aware that I have 2kg of shit in my pants but it's warm and I like it.  Or, I have 2kg of shit in my pants and I DON'T like it.  Or the last option, which can be combined with the other two, my penis is exposed, please rectify immediately or I will continue to kick you in the guts and boobs and screech like a hyena.
  • Sleeves. Too short, too long, too tight.  T-shirts with sleeves, t-shirts without sleeves, t-shirts...
  • Proffering the wrong drinking receptacle.  
  • Jumpers or Cardigans.  Wearing in any form.  
  • Ugg boots.  Screams when he sees them.  He hasn't even seen Pam Anderson wearing hers yet so I don't know how he can know that they're the worst things ever.  
  • The car seat seat belt.  
  • Not giving him the dummy (more on this in another post).  
  • Not understanding grunting or arm reaching in the throes of a tantrum.  I repeat 'use your words' in a firm, teachery, type voice over and over again until I fear my head my explode.  Can he tell that my teeth are clenched?  
  • Choosing the wrong banana.  Seriously.  
  • Saying no to watching the Planes movie for the 587th time.  
  • Saying no to any request. 
  • Exiting the room.  
  • Putting stickers on any part of his clothing or hands.  

I could go on.  I really could.  He's not even 2 yet!  How can he be so unhappy about so many things?!   

I know I've said it a million times already, as has everyone who's raised children ever, but far out!  What the hell?  This parenting thing is crazy!  

This afternoon after fantasising about smoking cigarettes I wondered how it came to be that I was totally responsible for the upbringing of a well adjusted, polite, intelligent, understanding and caring person. A person who throws himself onto the kitchen floor when I offer the wrong type of rice cracker.  I am NONE OF THESE THINGS!!  Juffin and I cannot even agree on a brand of tomato sauce, and that, right there, does not bode well for our future parenting efforts...  Parenting decisions are not tomato sauce, nor should they be likened to tomato sauce.  They are like, super important and stuff.  

I just wrote 'like' in a sentence. 

Good God.  I need to stop immediately.  I am the worst.  

27 Jun 2014


The Mushroom has developed a few quirks, or idiosyncrasies.

He crosses his middle finger over his fore finger on his left hand and leaves it like that.

He has a meltdown if his shirt sleeves are rolled up or his pants creep up his legs.

He has to wipe his hands all the time, even if they're not particularly dirty.

I don't know if these things are normal.  I mean I'm not normal and neither is the Juffin but I don't walk around with my fingers crossed... or get upset if my sleeves are rolled up.  And I mean very, very upset.

I'm not sure if these 'things' are 'things' I need to be worried about!

I'm pretty sure I'm just over-reacting and I'm quite positive that I'm a crazy person who freaks out about everything.  I'm not even sure what I'm worried about exactly... The facts are: he is a toddler and he has tantrums.  Everyone has quirks.  I just wanted to get it down, and out and now that I've written it down, it sounds pretty silly.  But it's there now and I will publish it anyway.  And I'll probably feel better and not eat the chocolate that Juffin has tried to hide from me in the fridge because I'm counting calories and trying to make better life choices.

Egads.  I may succeed in not eating my feelings tonight!  Go me!

25 Jun 2014


I know people say it all the time, but I honestly have never noticed the passing time as much as I do now that I have an ALMOST 2 YEAR OLD!  Yes, The Mushroom will be 2 in three and a bit months.  This is insanity.

Furthermore, I also didn't realise that it had been over 3 months since my last blog post.  Can you say suckful effort Jess?  Geez. To catch you up, a few things have happened in that time which I will list in dot point below:

  • My awesome aunt lost her battle to cancer in April and it was total and utter shit.  I was glad that her pain was over, but devastated for her daughter, my closest cousin, and my Mum.  I can't imagine losing my sister who makes me laugh nearly every day or my Mother, who is just fucking amazing.  I went to the funeral in NZ and left the boys to fend for themselves at home.  They survived as did the home.  Miracle.
  • The Mushroom started to talk.  A lot.  And actual words.  He is clearly his mother's son.  Just a few days ago he said he had an 'itchy elbow'.  Hilarious. 
  • I had my first ever surgery and was put under a general anaesthetic.  Waking up afterwards felt like I'd had a huge night on the turps which ended in some sort of bar fight and involved in being kicked in the guts.  Noice.  
  • I tried unsuccessfully to give up breastfeeding. Still breastfeeding. (Keep your nasty opinions about this subject to yourself if you have nothing nice to say).
  • I got drunk.  Several times.  It was great and recovery actually better than aforementioned surgery.  I also refrained from breastfeeding whilst drunk.  Just so you know. 
  • I became obsessed with reading stupid YA novels like Divergent and the Fault in our Stars.  You can say it, lame. But yay!  Reading! 
  • I started an online course.  I'm doing a certificate four.  It's daunting and scary but I'm managing ok so far, though not progressing as fast as I'd like... Like right now I should be studying but I'm blogging.. I'm good at procrastinating.  
  • We started some tough love at night time to stop the Mushroom's multiple night wakings.  We're down to one with a cuddle and sit in the chair for 5 minutes.  Crying it out did not work at all.  
  • We introduced the Mushroom to Disney.  Dear Diety, so help me.  If I have to watch Cars or Planes one more time... I should have just stuck to my guns and said no movies until later.  Bad parenting moment (insert infinite number here)
  • I turned 33.
  • Ugh.
  • I am the proud owner of a stand mixer.  I have been baking.  A lot.  
  • I joined instagram and can't stop posting pics of my Mushroom, and my baking.  Follow me if you want!  
  • After successful operation, we started trying for baby number 2 and have been suffering through the emotional ups and downs that is trying to conceive.... 
In summary, a shedload has happened and I would be here all night if I was to update you with all of it. The Mushroom is now 20 months old and at his 18 month check up weight was 10.7kg and height 80cm.  He is half my height and he's not even 2!  He eats so much food, but keeps his weight off by running, chewing and spitting things out and evacuating what happens to be ingested from his body at 7am each day.  GROSS!  
We are nowhere near toilet training.  

There are more teeth popping through and existing dentine numbers 10 with a couple peeking through this morning!  

Still not sleeping through.  

Tantrums have started already.  As has the sass.  

Still clumsy, loves planes, trains, cars and trucks.  

And beetroot. 

And fills my everyday with sunshine and poop.  

I'm still trying to work out how to add my instagram badge to my blog page... I'm missjbaggins if you wanna look me up!