16 Feb 2014

Selfish

Is it selfish of us to have kids even though we have no money?

To elaborate, we don't own our own home, we have debt and probably won't be getting rid of it any time soon, and we have no savings to speak of.  I have no idea how people survive on one wage as we are just scraping by on two.  

Ever since we got pregnant, I can't stop focussing on the things that we don't have.  A house, savings, no money for holidays or nights out...

If the Mushroom gets sick, we don't have money to fall back on.  If one of our cars dies, that's it.  No special toys, And I wonder if we are doing our Mushroom a disservice by not owning a home, or having money in the bank.

The reason why I'm banging on about this, again, is that my Grandad passed away on Valentine's Day.  Like most of my extended family, he resides in New Zealand, so getting there can prove costly.  Meaning I miss my Grandfather's funeral on Wednesday.

I'm used to missing out on things due to our financial circumstances and I have gotten used to it, but today, knowing that I won't be attending his funeral, today it has really upset me.  It's like rubbing salt in an already irritated wound.

This morning I spent a good hour or two sobbing quietly whilst looking at photo's and reminiscing to myself whilst the boys had a sleep.  I even wrote a few things down and tried to fathom how for 25 years of my 33, my Grandparents managed to look exactly the same to me.  Not old, not young, just grandparent-like.

Lost in my own world, I didn't do any washing, didn't get any cleaning done; I didn't do any of the things that I normally do on a Sunday.  I just cried in the morning and then felt bad for the rest of the afternoon.  Not even visiting my friend and her new baby could help shift this feeling.

Of course I understand that we are well off compared to the majority of the world's population, but today, when we have maxed out credit cards and not much in the bank, all I can think about is how I will miss my Grandfather's funeral and it's all because of money.  I hope that he understands how much I loved him and how much I'll miss him.

Hopefully one day, we won't be struggling to keep our heads above water every damn day.  I don't know how we'll get there, but it will happen and when that day comes, I'll re-read this post and shake my head.  But today, I'm just going to wallow.


(image via LiveLuvCreate.com)