25 Jun 2013


There are a few things that you genuinely believe are true about motherhood until you actually become a mother, then they're busted.  As in the Mythbusters, myth busted.

And I hate the Mythbusters by the way as one of them, can't remember which one, Jamie or Adam, but one of them looks like an ex beau of mine and that reminds me of a time in my life that I'm not particularly proud of.  Not because of the ex, but the way I saw myself and the treatment that I put up with.  Not like violent treatment, just not very nice or loving or appreciative and sadly I thought that I couldn't do any better so kept returning to that particular person WAAYYY longer than I should have.  

And they're annoying as hell.  The Mythbusters.  The ex beau is also annoying, but I was mostly talking about the Mythbusters.  And I really dislike that guy Tory on the show.  I mean, Tory is not really a boy's name is it?  Not that I care that his name is Tory, that has nothing to do with him being super annoying, just that it's weird, no?  And that chick Kari!  She's super annoying too!

Hmm as per usual neurotic personality type took over and I've spent this whole post talking about how I  really don't like the Mythbusters instead of talking about motherhood myths that have been busted for me!

Myth:  Breastfeeding will help you lose weight/baby weight.
Fact:  This may be the case for some women but I'm yet to see a real, actual, woman that I know lose weight through breastfeeding.

Myth:  Your love for your child will make up for the lack of sleep/sex/alone time.
Fact:  Whilst not strictly untrue, you do feel really tired all day long and long for the time before you were stupid enough to fall pregnant.

Myth:  Babies make couples closer.
Fact:  Ok. No-one actually believes that anyway but just thought I'd make sure that y'all know that that shit is a damn lie!

Myth:  Cloth nappies are hard.
Fact:  Doing the washing is hard period.  That's as hard as it has to be.

Myth:  You will love your child instantly.
Fact:  I didn't.  It took a few days and then that whole weird maternal, motherly thing kicked in.  I'm not sure if that's because of the cesarean or I'm just a stone cold bitch.  Probably the latter.
(ok this isn't strictly a fact but it is relevant to me, and this is my blog, about me and my life, so there!)

Myth:  It's easy to be a stay at home mum.
Fact:  Nothing is fucking easy about being a stay at home mum.

Myth:  You will stick by your principals and never co-sleep/use a dummy/have ABC kids on/pooh with the door open/wipe snot off your childs face with your fingers.
Fact:  Obviously you do all of the above and more awful, disgusting, ridiculous things because you're a Mother now and as if any childless person would understand!

Myth:  Your life does not have to change just because you've had a baby.
Fact:  You're an idiot.

"You're crazy Ma!  Mythbusters is a REALLY GOOD SHOW!"

21 Jun 2013


It's official.  I am going back to work.  Kinda happy but mostly sad.

After trying to live on one income we have realised that while not impossible, it's very, very hard.  I'm not going to share our financial woes here but Mechanic's aren't well paid, and when you have car loans, credit cards, and ever mounting living costs, our dream of owning our own home and having another baby will not come to fruition.  Like ever.

So I'm going back to work. Part-time.  For four hours a day.


On the other hand, I am looking forward to not having to decide what to wear everyday, talk to other actual adults during the day, and, of course, the money.  My hair needs doing again, and my eyebrows, well, let's not even go there.  When you don't have room in your budget to get a $12 eyebrow wax, it's time to go back to work.

I have one week of freedom left.  I am going to make it count.

Hopefully everything will be alright.  I will find some decent care for the two days I'm left stranded and I won't hate myself for leaving my little one for 4 hours a day.

So I was going to spend an exciting fun filled morning with my son today but instead he's been doing this:

Sleeping Mushroom 
He's been at it for 2 hours.  This is quality Mummy baby time Mushroom!  Damn!  

20 Jun 2013

I won

The title says it all really.

Of course being a mechanic the no soap thing wasn't going to last very long.  I was just waiting for him to yell out from the shower but it didn't happen.

Now to just curb the 'I don't know' bullshit.  Wish me luck!

19 Jun 2013

Stand Off

This post isn't baby related.  You've been warned.

There are things that the man in my life does (or doesn't do) that drives me bonkers.  These are things like draping the clothes over the line instead of hanging them, saying 'I don't know' when I ask him what he feels like for dinner, leaving mugs with abandoned dried up teabags sitting on every available surface, saying 'I don't know' when I ask him where something is, putting dirty clothes right next to clothes basket instead of in it, saying 'I don't know' when I ask him what the time is, when he can't find something he will only open one drawer before protesting like a child 'I don't know where it is, I can't find it!', not listening to my awesome stories then saying 'what?', making me watch the Transformers/Star Trek/Lord of the Rings movies over and over again, never telling me that there's no milk/bread/peanut butter left, opening a new container/packet/jar of something when there's already a half full item in the fridge/cupboard, and, probably the most annoying,  saying 'I don't know' as a pre-emptive answer to any question that I ask him.

The above are just a few.  I know that he does all these things because he's a male.

And no, I ain't no male hating feminist nazi type.  I'm just saying the few men that I have lived with do all these things.  All of them.

So anyway, all of those wonderful, helpful, non-annoying things I am used to, can deal with, usually have a little holler at him then move on, these add colour to an otherwise dreary day.  There is one thing however, that I cannot, will not, and refuse to budge on for the indefinable future, and it's turned into a bit of a stand off.

It's this:

The offending article 
Aside from never replacing the toilet roll (I forgot to mention that above didn't I?!) it's replacing the damn soap in the damn shower and I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF IT DAMMIT!!!!



Sorry for the shouting but you have to get a sense of my ridiculous frustration.  You don't even have to get out of the shower to reach the cupboard to replace the soap. Just reach over, open the cupboard and there it is.

So because I'm super stealth (read stubborn) I have hidden a new bar for myself in a soap case in the cupboard.  I also have bodywash in the shower that I use regularly but sometimes I just like a good scrubbing with some oatmeal soap!

I know that I'm being ridiculous, and you all probably think I'm a petty so and so, choose your battles Jess, blah blah blah, but he's just gone too far this time.  As they say on IronChef, I will reign supreme!

18 Jun 2013


It was time to move the cot mattress down about 6 weeks ago, but we forgot about it.

After today I definitely think it's time to move the mattress down..

Cheeky Mushroom!

What do you think?

Reasons for not doing so already include:

I'm short and have short arms.

I'm short and have short arms.


I'm short and have short arms.

But now it's reached critical, baby danger mode so it has to be done.

Now if only Juffin can remember to bring the damn allan keys home.

16 Jun 2013


There be-ith dentine in the Mushroom's mouth which translated to none crazy person talk is:  A week off 8 months and we have our first tooth!  Hooray!

On Friday morning after ANOTHER restless night, I found that the Mushroom had one lower front toothy peg poking through.  I thought it's partner in crime would swiftly follow but it's not made an appearance yet.  

No biting on Mum's boobs yet so smiles all around.

Aside from the no sleeping and general shitheadness behaviour.

Unfortunately trying to capture the tooth on film is proving difficult so I just have a photo of him on the morning in question.

Yes.  I take at least one photo everyday.  I have a problem.

 After another rough night...  

11 Jun 2013


I've been a bit of a wreck the last few weeks.  Things have gone a little awry.  I'm not sure where to start...

I turned 32 last week.  32.  Far out.  Where the hell did the last 15 years go?  I feel like I finished school yesterday but in actual fact it was 15 FRICKING YEARS AGO!  Reality check much?

Mushroom has not been the easiest baby to deal with over the last month either. 5+ wakings a night some nights, not sleeping past 30 minutes again throughout the day, crying, and screaming.  A lot.

Mushroom is also exploring his surroundings by tormenting me.  He punches, kicks, claws, pinches, bites, pulls and hits. It's awful.  Yesterday I actually cried as he ripped some skin off my nose whilst simultaneously pulling hair out of my head.  I literally had tears well up in my eyes and I had to stop myself from retaliation.  Funny how you instinctively want to smack them one right back but you stop yourself.  It hurt, and I was in labour for a really long time and that was WAY out of line. Some days everything is just so awful that I want to lay down on the floor with him and cry.  Ok, so I did that already.  Once.  It was a shit day.  

Breastfeeding has become an extreme sport with my nipples being twisted and pulled every which way as the little demon kicks and pushes up all over me wending this way and that.  I have had to forcibly hug him close to my body to stop him from ripping my nipple right off.  And he doesn't even have teeth yet.  I live in fear for dentine...

My relationship has been a little strained, not that I'll share the nitty gritty here but apparently it's extremely common for couples to hit a rough patch after they have children.  I know.  I googled it.

Last night I tried to have my Mum over for dinner and the Mushroom woke up 3 times before 9.30.  At that waking he wouldn't settle so my Mum ended up leaving and we were up with him until 11.30pm when I finally just said enough is enough, shoved the dummy in his mouth and walked out of the room.  He must have gone to sleep as I didn't hear from him again until 3.45am, sleepily fed him and he went back to sleep until 7.  Hallelujah.

This morning I woke up with no less than 4 giant pimples on my face, a bloated gut, bags that you could put change in under my eyes, terrible hair and no will to get out of bed.  I just want to crawl under a rock and not come out for a week.  Or a year.  Whichever.  I miss reading my books, watching my tv shows, drinking my wine.  I miss my boyfriend and how much fun we used to have together.  I miss not having to do 2 loads of washing EVERY SINGLE DAY.

The point of this post is, what are you supposed to do?  I know that I'm not alone.  I know that my Mushroom doesn't understand that he's twanging my last nerve.  He has developed leaps and bounds the last four weeks and I know that he's mostly just shitty because he's frustrated.  Frustrated by a body that won't cooperate, a mother that won't understand him and a world that seems a bit too big for him still.

I love my son so much, especially after today when he was so super clever and was thinking he was King Mushroom standing up at the lounge grinning at me.  I know that in a year's time I won't remember feeling this crappy, I'll have a whole new set of worries on my mind, but today, right now, everything is bit much and I'm going to have a glass of red wine and eat some chocolate lava cake, cuddle my boyfriend instead of yelling at him and try to feel like a human being again.

Oh and I might do a mud mask cos my skin is seriously up to shit lately.

Chocolate Lava Cake with Salted Caramel filling and
a dollop of double cream.  Heaven on a plate.  

Push up

Push up, your body, your body next to mine...

That's a song by the Freestylers and has been going through my head all day (you can find it here... warning! Very catchy and will stay in your head for a LOOOONG time!)

The reason for that song being in my head is because THIS HAPPENED TODAY!!

Approaches couch, turns to smile for camera, pushes up on couch and VIOLA! STANDING POSITION!  
Obviously my life is now over as we are fully fledged crawling as of last weekend and now bloody pulling up on things and thinking we're the cleverest Mushroom in the World.

Which wouldn't be hard as not really sure how smart actual Mushroom's are.

When did my boy get so big?!

6 Jun 2013


For my birthday ( Monday just gone) my clever little Mushroom started crawling.

He has been commandoing around the place for a month or so now, but Sunday was the first time he put arms and legs in motion together and tentatively did a few one two's before collapsing in a heap.

So clever!  My big ol heart just about burst with pride!

I thought that was enough excitement for one week but obviously not as about an hour ago he started to try and pull himself up on the couch next to me!  Where I was folding washing.  Ok, not exactly true, I wasn't really folding washing.  I was on FB on my phone.  Which I've been trying to cut back on with little success.  Stupid smartphone, stupid facebook, stupid stalkerish personality type!

Anyway, so not the point, the pulling up was the point.  What a clever little Mushroom!  Am now hastily rethinking floor plan in my mind and wondering where the hell I'm going to put everything...

Unfortunately, because baby's will inherently not cooperate with anything that you attempt to do, I have been unable to capture the crawling on film, so no photo to accompany this as proof of new exciting talents.

Here's a cute one anyway.
"Another photo Mum?!  Sheesh woman!"  
Whilst I'm super impressed with his awesome talents, I can't help wondering when I'm now going to be able to shower... why can't they just stay little forever?!