Whilst there are elements of my old life I miss, mostly the drinking of hard liquor, my new life is not really comparable as it's totally different. I get up at 6.30 every day and I'm greeted with the most beautiful smiles. I eat breakfast at the table with my boyfriend whilst our son plays on the floor at our feet. After Juffin goes to work, I youtube a bad 90s song and the Mushroom and I have a crazy dance off. Mushroom squeals with delight as we rocket around the bedroom jiggling crazily.
Each night at 6.15 Juffin gives the Mushroom a bath and I take 5 by myself but usually end up in the bathroom laughing with my two gorgeous boys. Bedtime quickly follows and I sit down to a meal with Juffin and we talk about our day. Washing, dishes, TV watching and showering follows and I'm in bed, another day over.
It felt like it crept up on me, this motherhood thing. All through my pregnancy I was a little bit detached, like it was happening to someone else. When the birth didn't go to plan, it made me feel like a bit of a failure and as I struggled to cope in those first few weeks, I thought maybe I had made a mistake. Four months on and I'm now wondering why I didn't do this earlier?! I yak on to all and sundry about my amazingly awesome son, and my old self cringes in embarrassment as I pull out the phone so I can show the cashier at the supermarket a recent photo. Yep. I did that. It sounds cornier to admit, but I live and breathe this child and I feel silly for ever doubting myself. This is the hardest thing I've ever done, bar none. Motherhood is damn hard work and I have even more respect for my amazing Mother now.
This week the cold hard reality of returning to work and income has reared it's ugly head and I'm trying to manipulate the numbers but they all say the same thing. Best case scenario would be winning lotto and never working again but unfortunately that's not going to happen. A girl can dream.