17 Nov 2017

Weekly Wrap 17/11

And just like that, it's Friday again.

This week I decided enough was enough and started eating well, exercising and tracking my food. I kept saying that I would start again in the new year, but why?  What's wrong with now?  I could continue to complain about being time poor, tired, and grumpy but there's no point unless I do something about it.

So I did.

It's only been 5 days, but I'm keeping myself honest and accountable.  It's a step in the right direction.

See what I did there?

It should also be recorded that tonight we had homemade pumpkin soup and I didn't eat any bread. That's right.  No bread.  I deserve a fucking medal.  Obviously I've lost 35kg already...

Mushroom and I continue to butt heads as whilst I wouldn't say he is a badly behaved child, I'm struggling to keep my temper when I have to repeat myself 17000 times. And I know that yelling doesn't solve anything but it actually feels like the only time he'll listen!

We had a little chat this afternoon and I apologised for being cranky and yelling and he apologised for not listening, but let's be honest, it'll stay in his brain for 2 seconds and he'll be back to ignoring me again.  I think it's more about not wanting to do what I'm asking him and being totally distracted by everything around him... like his father.  I did tell him that life is mostly just doing things that you don't want to do and he looked at me with his cute little face and said I don't wanna do that life.  I may have been shook.... What is it about 5 years old being so profound?

And yes I just said shook.  Total trendite.

Telling me that I'm wrong... again!
He's also an insufferable know it all which drives me absolutely bonkers.  I have this disorder where I can't just let people be wrong and feel that I have to correct them (sorry Tara!) but Mushroom literally yells at me and argues his totally incorrect point.  I could let it go but clearly I'm right and he's wrong and that will never ever happen in this universe.  I mean honestly, pick your battles Jess, but I just can't seem to let the little turd have the last word.

Obviously we both need to do some work in these areas but he needs to start paying attention and listening so he can set a better example for his sister as she's always copying him.... Speaking of Molly, let's talk about her for a second because at present it's like this:


Molly has morphed into total toddler terror!!  Mushroom was bad, but I'm pretty sure Molly has him trumped. I don't remember him being this turd-like.  The Santa parade was at Willows yesterday and I just couldn't bring myself to take the kids because trying to deal with her in those crowds was just too much for this Mama to handle!

Her latest MO is getting all the tea towels out of the drawer and draping them over things saying "BANKET" (blanket).  Apparently the coffee table, step stool, and a half eaten apple need a blanket.   I didn't even know that owned that many tea towels!

I have given up tidying after her as she's a bloody tornado.  There are tea towels everywhere.  And lego.  She loves Mushroom's lego, especially the little lego men. She likes taking their hats/helmets/hair off and putting them back on.  Cute but standing on a tiny lego space helmet is not fucking cute, let me tell you.

"Mushroom, can you please pick up all this lego?"
"It wasn't me, it was Molly!"
"I know, but I asked you to do it..." and then I whisper to myself, "as if she's going to clean it up FFS!"
Who could stay mad
at that face? 

Molly has also taken to throwing food all over the floor.  Every. Single. Meal.  We eat outside on the patio alot now because at least the birds will come and clean that up.  I can't even deal.  I find bits of food EVERYWHERE.

"Please stop doing that Molly, please don't throw food on the floor. Food is for eating, if you don't want it, please put it on your plate.  Please Molly, PUHLEASE!"

And then she takes my request, processes it, looks at my face, takes her food, swings her tiny arm and throws that shit on the fucking floor. And then she laughs in my face.


She finds Max's markers and draws on the floor, our bed, the chairs, the bloody WALLS (they're washable but so not the fucking point)!
Bedroom carpet - defaced

"Molly, floors are not for drawing.  Walls are not for drawing.  Mummy and Daddy's bed is not for drawing. What do we draw on?"


Continues to scribble on pantry cupboard door.

*throws hands in the air*

All she wants to eat at present is cake, strawberries or mango.  I mean, I hear you sista girl, all those things are super delish, but in no way is that a balanced diet.  Of course when I say no she throws herself on the floor and body cries.  You know, the type of crying where your whole body shakes because your life is over.  Because your Mum wouldn't let you eat the second punnet of strawberries that cost her $4.50. I wish I had her problems...

Other news this week, I ordered matching cheesy Christmas outfits for the children, some douche threw a chocolate milk out of the window of his car and it went all over mine, I started researching the possibility of having surgery in Brisbane, Veronica Mars started streaming on Stan today, I finally did the floors but Kmart's mop bucket is total shite, and I have my work Christmas party tomorrow night!  Yeow!

Oh and today marks our 4 year engagement anniversary!  Maybe we'll get married soon!  Can't rush these things....

11 Nov 2017

Weekly Wrap 11/11

As an incentive to try and blog more often, I thought I'd start doing a weekly wrap-up.

I know you're all laughing as my posts are sporadic at best but c'mon, humour me please!  A girl can try.

First, my kids continue to amaze and infuriate me in equal measure.

Mushroom is currently obsessed with his penis and gets it out whenever the mood strikes him.

Which is frequent.

He has just been given a pair of boyleg fancy jocks that have the 'pocket' and he now pokes his penis out of said pocket and waves it in mine and Molly's faces. We are unimpressed. I don't know how many times a week I yell "Please stop playing with your doodle/penis in the (insert common living area name here). If you want to play with it, please go to your room!"

My neighbours love me.

On Tuesday evening he managed to lock us out of the house and I had to turn the gas off at the wall and wait for Juffin to get home and break in. I was a bad mother and called him an idiot.  I apologised afterwards but shit, I was frickin mad!  I still feel bad.  Hashtag Mum Guilt.

Classy cup ladies
Tuesday was a bit of a crappy day with GP visit. oppressive heat and manic children.  Hence my crankiness at Mushroom for locking us out.  I also repeatedly tell both my children to stop playing with doors and they never fucking listen.  So, you know, yelling "I told you to stop playing with that damn door and now we're locked outside, idiot" was bound to happen.

It wasn't a totally shitty day, I spent the afternoon with my lovely GF watching the Cup and eating yummy food.  It was good but next time we think we'll ditch the bloody kids and go somewhere air conditioned where we don't have to cook OR clean up... Too much noise and not enough bubbles!

Mushroom graduated from Kindergarten in the most ridiculous and amazing graduation ceremony ever.  I know that my parents generation think it's absurd, as do I, but fuck it's funny and the kids looked adorable in their tiny hats.  Cute!!

Molly has had yellow snot pouring from her nose all week and now looks like she's been on a 5 day coke bender.  She's scabby, and grumpy and honestly, I feel like the terrible two's have already arrived and I don't know if I can live through this shit again!  She is already throwing herself on the floor and yells "NO WAY" whenever I ask her a question or offer her a food she doesn't like.  Which is anything that isn't cake. She's already dictating to me what she will and won't wear ("NO WAY") and says things like "Mummy farty" and runs away.

If you don't laugh you'll cry.

I attempted to braid her hair for the first time yesterday and I described it on facebook as 'trying to wrestle an octopus with fluff for tentacles'.  Her hair fell out within in the hour because it really is, just fluff.

Juffin was recovering from tonsillitis and/or the flu aka I'm dying, please fawn over me endlessly.  I'm a bitch and not at all sympathetic so was mostly just annoyed that I had to do all the washing up as well as the cooking which is crap.  He seems to have recovered but one can never be too sure re relapse.

I made a particularly good batch of Zucchini Slice which lasted the entire week, rearranged my baking shelf and gave it a good wipe out, ordered groceries, finished my bookclub book, got a Strand walk in and a playdate and got the enrolment forms for Mushroom's OSHC sent off.  I also scored a fancy hair curler on Gumtree for $25 and have been spending lots of time in the bathroom damaging my already colour-damaged hair beyond repair.  Huzzah!

I have 4 loads of clean washing piled up in the lounge room ready to fold and my floors haven't been mopped in 10 days as my mop bucket died and I kept forgetting to buy another one.  I might have to do something about these things tomorrow...

AND today, whilst at bookclub, I noticed my first white eyebrow hair in the tea rooms bathroom. I guess the light in my bathroom is shitty and the mirror is too far away but there was, glaring back at me in all it's white shiny glory.

A white eyebrow hair.

I got home this afternoon and promptly took a selfie.

I guess this means that I have white pubes now too... Literally firs thing that popped into my mind after seeing it.

I'm not game to check!

Ps scuse my brows, waxing is low on my list of priorities at the moment!

7 Nov 2017


Following up from today's GP appointment, I have another ovarian cyst.

It's formed on my favourite ovary (sarcasm) lefty loser.  This the same side that I've already had an ovarian cyst removed from in 2014.  At the time they managed to save my ovary but I'm kinda wishing they just took it now, however, I may not have had Molly so silver linings and all that jazz. 

I lost my left fallopian tube in an ectopic pregnancy the following year in 2015. So lefty loser is kinda just hanging out over there.  Like the loser it is. 

Due to my cyst being complex and nearly 40mm it's causing bullshit and needs to be removed.

Which means more surgery.

I may have had a little cry when I told Juffin because FFS enough already.

Obviously this is shithouse, however, I am grateful that I'm not pregnant.  That I don't have cancer.  That I live in a country where I have access to excellent medical advice and care. That I have been blessed with two beautiful albeit manic children, my partner is a bit great and my family are only a phonecall away.

I know that I'll get through this, like I do with everything else and whilst I'm happy and grateful for all those things, 2017 can still go and suck a big fat dick.

My budget headwear :-)

 Ps Max Dynamite came third so at least I won my $$ back in the Cup today.  Giddy up!