23 Sep 2016

Phonecall

Apologies in advance, this blog is quickly turning into a bit of a downer!  Yesterday I got a call from kindy telling me that the Mushroom had high temps so should probably go and get him. It was 2pm.

Because I'm a bad mother my first thought was fuck, I haven't done the floors yet.

Yep, I'm a bad mother.  My son is sick and I'm worried about the floors.  Let me just explain, I wait to do the floors when  Mushroom is at daycare or the MIL's so they at least stay clean for a couple of hours.  Have you seen what kids do to your house?  Your floors?  It's a trail of destruction.  There's food, toys, objects that cannot be identified... I usually do them first thing in the morning but I was fighting with my daughter to get her to go to sleep and it just didn't happen.

Remember my daughter? The one who used to sleep really well.  Ugh, you know the story, babies like to keep you on your toes.

I call Juffin and tell him I have to pick up the little one due to high temps.  We're both baffled as he seemed fine in the morning.  I'm still thinking about my floors when I get to the kindy 10 minutes later.  And there he is, my first born, curled up on the mat in the foetal position.

My heart.

His little face is tear stained and he's clearly very unhappy.  When I reach down to cuddle him, he's so hot to touch that I gasp.  And he just wants me to pick him up.  But I can't because I'm holding my daughter.

My heart.

I decide to put my daughter on the ground and I cuddle my son.  We get his bag and he wraps himself around my legs and we limp out of there.

At home he cries.  A lot.  I administer paracetamol and a lemonade iceblock.  He curls up on the couch and shudders.  He won't drink, he won't get in the shower.  His temp doesn't move.  I make him drink some hydrolite by telling him it's juice.  He'll always drink juice.  I attempt to pu the baby down for a sleep but she laughs in my face, sleep!  Who needs it?!  I tell Mushroom it's ok if he does want to have a sleep but he says he feels too sick.

The boy wants constant cuddles, the baby wants boob.  I'm dealing with a clingy sick preschooler and an overtired maniac of a baby.

Thankfully Juffin gets home relatively early and right on cue there is spew.  I can't deal with spew.

He puts Mushroom in the shower to rinse off and I clean up.  Please God, I pray, please let there be no more spew.

I put the TV on and we have cuddles on the couch.  Juffin has an optical appointment.  I am mad but try not to show it.  Of all nights, honestly.  I try to feed Molly and cuddle Mushroom but it's not working.  I jump in the shower with Molly and start the process of putting her to bed.  Max is in his pjs and he's ready but wants to wait for Dad. We administer more drugs to try and bring his temp down as he's still burning up.  He says his head hurts inside his noggin.

I am worried.  His temperature doesn't seem to be moving and I don't know what to do.  I'm bracing for an emergency room dash and keep thinking we're in for a big night.  For once, luck is on our side, and we get off relatively scott free.  Mushroom woke around 3.30am with temperatures still soaring but on wake up this morning he is fine!  He's eating, he's laughing, his temperature is fine.... Seriously, WTF?  What's with kids and their mysterious illnesses that just appear and then disappear just as quickly?!

Last night it took 2 hours to get my daughter to sleep.  She had had 20 minutes sleep from 2pm to 8pm.  Seriously.  That's fucked. This morning she's had 20 minutes from 7.30 to 12.30.  Again. Fucked.  At least she's not crying.

She thinks she can crawl already which is probably why she can't sleep.  Too many things going on in her little brain.

Slow down baby girl.

And just because it's been a week since I finished my antibiotics, left boob is sore again.  So you know, time for another Doctor's visit.

I promise the next post will be more positive.  Hopefully I'll find a million dollars in a shoebox buried in the backyard and all my problems will be solved!


/All smiles this morning





8 Sep 2016

Just OK

Today is R U OK day.  I hope you guys are doing OK.

I really struggled with writing this post because I haven't really been doing that well.  I mean I'm ok,  But just.  My stress levels have been increasing for a while now and I've really worked myself up into knots about it and I feel like it's making me ill.

I have been on antibiotics twice in the last six weeks for a blocked duct in my left breast.  I've had a bad cold in between this which I'm still recovering from and Molly caught it as well.  Juffin has had massive migraines, Mushroom has had a bad cough and both the kids have had conjunctivitis.

I can't blame daycare.  Mushroom only goes once a week now.

I just don't know why we can't seem to catch a break, and I feel like it's a bit my fault because I can't seem to stop worrying about our life and where we're heading.

In a nutshell, our financial situation has changed drastically in the last few months and our access to free childcare will cease shortly as well... I know, I know, we were very fucking lucky to have this available in the first place.  It makes such a massive difference.

I hadn't told anyone but we were considering increasing my maternity leave so I could take the next 12 months off and stay home with the kids.  This is our last child, Mushroom will be at school the year after.  I was, I am, enjoying being home with the kids despite the challenges that an almost 4 year old presents on a daily basis.  This is no longer a possibility.  Not only that, but I'm also wondering whether I can continue to work part-time or not as we'll be paying for full days of daycare for two children despite me only working 5 hours a day 4 days a week.  Living on one wage is no longer an option.

Here I am, tying myself in knots, wishing that we'd done so many things differently.  I have even felt guilty for having another child, having children in general, which is fucking awful.  I can't stop thinking that if we're struggling so much at this age, what kind of life are we going to give our kids.

We don't own a home.  We can't afford to go on holidays.  Some weeks it's my turn to shout coffee for the girls and I have a mini panic attack because I may only have $13 in the bank account.  Yes, you read that correctly, $13.  I make it work and shuffle things around and at the present moment, we are not broke but we're on a pretty tight budget.  There's no surplus.  I need surgery and despite having health insurance, we can't afford the bloody excess or out of pockets.

There are so many things to be grateful for, our general good health, a job to go back to, a roof over our head, food on the table, but at 2am when I'm breastfeeding and it's quiet and dark, I worry and worry and worry, turning myself inside out and stewing over every detail.  What if this were different, what if we did this, what if we did that, but the reality is, it doesn't matter because we didn't and this is our life now.

I know that in the end we'll be alright.  Juffin's university studies, though it will be years before he finishes, will mean a significant change to our family income.  He's working so hard, so many late nights, and I'm so grateful for his dedication and his ability to keep getting up out of bed in the morning and go to work despite being up studying until all hours.

This is my reality right now.  Stress, anxiety, a dodgy left boob....  I'm sorry this post isn't funnier but sometimes I'm just not funny (Juffin would say that I'm never funny but, meh, men). If you've run into me over the last couple of months, you may have noticed that I've been a little off, not as perky as I am usually.  I'm trying, I really am but I want you guys to know that life isn't perfect.  You can't put a filter on feeling shitty and make it OK.  Despite all our challenges, we're still here.  And, for the most part, I'm still smiling.  At the end of the day, I know that we'll make whatever situation work.  We have to.  That's life.  And we're luckier than most.

See, still smiling 


Disclaimer: I don't suffer from depression, but I have in the past and I know when I need to seek help.  This isn't one of those times.  I am actually OK, just stressed and worried and tired.  And that's not a good combo.  If any of you are really not OK, please let someone know.  I'm here to listen if you need.

23 Aug 2016

Four

This post is a bit of an update post because my daughter is already four months old.  Four whole months!

Huh?!  Four Months!!  

Even worse, the Mushroom is turning four in October. That's four YEARS old!!

It seems ridiculous.  Unfathomable even.  Time is literally evaporating in front of my face and my kids just keep getting bigger.

Molly moved into her own room over the weekend.  Unlike the Mushroom, there was no decision made.  There was no discussion, no umming and ahhing.  I just put her in there for day sleeps to see how she went and when that was successful, decided to pop her down in there one night and that was that.  She's gone from two wake ups to one.

I haven't taken the hammock down yet.  That seems too final.

Unlike Mushroom, I am not keeping track of the time as closely.  I think little Miss is 19 weeks tomorrow.

Molly has started rolling.  When she can be bothered. And loves laying in the middle of the lounge room, nappy less, kicking herself around so she can see what her brother is doing.  You know, pushing up with her legs and wiggling along on her back.  She's pretty fast too.

She likes chewing her fingers, her rubber fish, blankets, Mummy's clothes.... She drools a lot but there's no sign of any teeth just yet.

Sleeping is hit and miss.  We swing from 3 hour day sleeps to 40 minute power naps, and there's no rhyme or reason with how the day will go. We have learnt to just go with it.  You may remember some stress on my part regarding sleep with my son and while I worry that she's not getting enough sleep sometimes, she's  generally a very happy little girl.  Ahh the lessons I have learnt!

We have lots of smiling but still no laughter.  Juffin, Mushroom and I are trying our very hardest but all we can muster is a squeak.  She's very, very close!

Unfortunately for Juffin, I think Molly is going to be just as chatty as Mushroom and myself.  If I leave her line of sight there is major attitudal squawking, and as soon as I return, big cheeky smiles.  She burbles and gurgles to herself non-stop and loves yakking away with Mushroom who likes telling her big bullshit stories.

No idea where he gets that trait from...


We haven't started solids yet and probably won't for another month or so. We did baby led weaning with the Mushroom and I'd like Molly to be able to support herself sitting before we try real food. She seems very interested in dinner time and we make sure she is right next to us so she can see what's going on.

I'm still breastfeeding exclusively and we haven't tried a bottle yet.  Stupid I know but it felt like there was plenty of time to try and now we've entered the 'fuck it's going to be a shit fight' stage so too hard basket.  I know that she'll take one if she's really hungry... We've also been too broke to go anywhere anyway so really no need to attempt bottle feeding, hah!

At her four month check up last week Miss Molly weighed in at 5.25kg, and measured 58cm in length.  Only 100cm more and she'll be as tall as me!  We're still in 000 for clothes but not sure we will be for much longer, especially over her cloth nappy bum.  Can you say teletubby?!

So here we are, two kids, both in bed sound asleep, me in bed, not far from sleep, a kitchen which needs cleaning and a partner who's focused on his maths homework...

Sidenote; Juffin commenced university study a while ago and is fucking killing it.  I'm so proud of him.  He's the bees knees when it comes to maths and science!

This guy!  Heart eyes!
Anyway, I knew that life would change going from one to two kids, but I didn't realise how much.  I thought I would have time to study, to exercise, to play.  But it seems that I don't have much time at all, despite not working.  The endless cycle of cooking, cleaning and washing doesn't seem to stop.  My attempts at exercise have been feeble at best and walking with a 4 year old on a balance bike who likes to stop dead in front of you every 20 seconds is frustrating as fuck!!

Molly's face!
I barely speak to my partner without little ears listening these days and most of the time we end up texting each other during the day so we don't get interrupted, or I try to stay up late so we can have a proper adult conversation.  I know you're supposed to make time for each other for the sake of the relationship but that seems nearly impossible at this point. We're doing okay though, and even though I miss him a little bit, I know that he's working hard for our future.

If I'm not preparing food, I'm cleaning up after the eating of food and then preparing food for the next meal.  I shit you not.

We do cloth nappies, which means there's always washing.  Hanging, taking off the line, folding, putting away... Molly is a bit of a chucker so there's her multiple outfits everyday and my spewy tops.  The other day she spewed on my shirt and because of the angle it wasn't anywhere near my face where I could smell it, so I just didn't bother getting changed.  I wore that spewy shirt for the rest of the afternoon.  That's real life right there.  At least I've trained the Mushroom to put his clothes away now, that's one male in the house who does....

So life is a bit hard of late, and the money thing is stressful.  I worry that I don't play enough with the kids, that I yell at Mushroom too much, that I give in too easily when faced with coffee, chocolate and/or tantrumming three year olds, but I know that we're lucky and that's all that matters.



Where it all started...